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Supreme Self-Esteem
By Adam Eason
Self-esteem is incredibly important. In fact, I think it is so
important that I am going to say that again. Self-esteem is
incredibly important. Many people have the notion that it is
the same as self-confidence; however it is far more than just
self-confidence. If we look further into the origins of the word
esteem itself, as we look etymologically, it comes from the
word aestimate, which literally means ¡®to put a value on.¡¯ As
you might guess, this word shares the same root as the word
¡®estimate.¡¯ Therefore, we can see that self-esteem, really
does just mean; the value we put on ourselves.
Now then, what are the key components of self-esteem?
When someone has high self-esteem, they have a genuine,
deep rooted sense of self; they actually like (and often love)
themselves; they can and do recognise and be in control of
their internal state; and they have a sound sense of purpose,
or rather they act and behave with purpose. These are not
magical gifts that we were given at birth, oh no. One of the key
concepts in many of my self-improvement or change
programmes or writings is a presupposition of neuro linguistic
programming (NLP) and that is: what others do, you can
learn. So that is where I am going to start here, by indicating
and illustrating just what it is that people with high self-esteem
actually do, I am going to break it down into easily
consumable chunks so that you can replicate them and apply
them to your own life immediately.
These things, if applied in the correct way, can have an
amazing impact on anyone¡¯s self-esteem.
Developing Your Own Sense of Self:
Many of the individuals that I have worked with over the years
tell me that they lack self-confidence. I hear it so very often. As
mentioned previously, self-esteem is the value we place on
ourselves whereas self-confidence relates to our actions.
Again, if we look at the word ¡®self-confidence¡¯ it means to trust
in ourselves, so at its root it implies some kind of challenge or
task that is to be undertaken in some way. To be more
specific, confidence usually relates to our ability to do
something or to have some kind of competency. We are
confident in our ability to do something, to behave in a
particular way in a particular situation, to take on a particular
challenge.
It has been my experience that it is almost impossible to
have self-confidence if we do not have self-esteem.
I once worked with a lady who was naturally very gifted in her
specialised field and was a legal secretary. Following her
initial training and joining a legal firm, she was recognised by
the senior partners as being intelligent, conscientious and
diligent as well as hard working. She really was an asset to
the company and got on very well with her colleagues. At the
end of her first year of working for the company, she was
offered a more senior position and she was given some
additional responsibility along with a slight increase in her
salary.
Following three years in this role, the legal team office
manager role became available and as she had been as
good as running the office anyway, one of the company¡¯s
senior partners recommended that she apply. The partner felt
that she deserved the role and encouraged her to apply. But,
the lady in question was rather taken aback by the
suggestion; she did not feel qualified or competent enough to
take the role on or to even consider applying. She had always
managed to successfully find reasons for dismissing praise,
she told herself that she simply did not deserve it and that
anyone could have done what she did and that there would
come a day that one of the partners would realise that she
was not that good at her job and she would be shown for what
she really was. Therefore she just did not apply. Remarkable.
What¡¯s more, I know that you know someone just like this.
I encounter so many people like this. So many. People that
have this low self-esteem and are not able to generalise from
the obvious successful results that they are having, or the
acknowledgement they receive. It is almost as if they don¡¯t
¡®hear¡¯ the praise that they are given. Because of this, the lady I
mentioned earlier lacked the confidence to apply for the
promotion; and many people with low self-esteem
consistently and continually underachieve in their lives. Most
of them spend their entire lifetimes underestimating
themselves and feeling that they are not worthy.
So what we are going to do is to explore. Over the years I
have investigated those people that do have self-esteem and
how they actually think and behave. It is all about that probing
question ¡®How do they do that?¡±
When I worked at the Independent National newspaper in
central London when I was younger, the newspaper had
been bought by a new owner and was moving from where
the previous owners, the Mirror group were based, in Canary
Wharf in Docklands, London, to new premises in a slightly
different part of London. A girl called Samantha was the
Managing Directors PA and rather than using a proper project
manager of some sort, the MD organised the relocation
himself with Samantha¡¯s help.
She liked being who she was, had done well at school, this
was only her second job and she had worked up the
secretarial ranks to become the MD¡¯s PA. She did not mind
being asked to help with anything out of the ordinary or
unusual. The day before the office relocation was due to
happen, the MD was involved in a car accident and had to
take some time off due to being in hospital for a night and
then off for a period of recovery. Another director asked
Samantha if she would oversee the relocation as she had
been so involved in the process. She was very slightly
apprehensive but of course agreed with no hesitation: after
all, she knew most of the arrangements that had been made,
and what¡¯s more the MD had a mobile that she could call if
she was desperate.
Now I mention this because you can see the differences
between the two people in those examples. Not only did
Samantha have a more easygoing temperament than the
lady mentioned in my first example, she was also far more
comfortable with herself and of course that naturally meant
that she could take the leap of confidence in herself that was
required for her to take on the last minute responsibility.
Both of the women were extremely capable, however, the
first mentioned lady had a low sense of self-worth, whereas
Samantha believed in herself. So, what about you? I would
like you to answer these questions to yourself:
? Can you accept a compliment straight, without verbally or
non-verbally deflecting it and without dismissing it or having
to qualify it in your mind.
? Are you ever afraid that you may well be ¡®found out¡¯ one
day?
? Can you list 5-10 things that you like about yourself without
hesitation, just doing it straight away?
? What is your reaction (internally and externally) when you
are asked to try something that you have not done before,
something new?
? What do you say to yourself inside your mind when you are
about to do something that challenges you or that is difficult?
Really take some time and even consider writing down your
answers, it is always good to see this kind of information in
writing as well as it being in your mind. Then, what do your
answers suggest about you and how much you like yourself?
Do you think well of yourself? Are you happy being you? Are
you critical about yourself and your abilities? I recommend
writing these down again because you can then compare and
contrast your answers when you have finished following
these techniques and strategies. So, lets move on to those
strategies and techniques.
The first of the strategies that I want to mention is: Accepting
Compliments.
Quite simply, the easiest way to accept a compliment is just
by saying ¡°Thank You.¡± Not too difficult is it? Remember a
compliment that someone has paid you, however small or
minor you may consider it: imagine hearing it in your head
again, play it over and over or better still, say it out loud to
yourself and then say ¡°Thank You.¡± You may want to
experiment with a variety of tones of voice or accents or
mannerisms as well as different facial expressions to find
some of the ways that resonate the best with you and that
seems the most natural.
You need to push your boundaries out here and really do
this. Practice this over and over. I would recommend that you
practice this in front of a mirror too even if it does feel unusual.
Then, on the next occasion that someone gives you a
compliment, because there will be some, catch what you do,
even if your old response tries to kick in again. Even if it does,
notice what you did and just offer a ¡°Thank You¡± anyway. As
you keep on doing this your brain will learn the new response
and will begin doing it automatically.
Worrying about being found out:
Hmmm. Ok, ask yourself this question: what exactly is it that I
do not want other people to know? Really ask yourself that
and answer it thoroughly and precisely. The majority of
people just don¡¯t want people to think badly of them or their
abilities. This kind of worry or fear almost always has to do
with what you anticipate happening and not what actually
does happen; it tends to be removed from reality.
So now is time for a reality check. These people that often
feel unworthy about their capabilities at work or about their
attractiveness are underestimating themselves. You should
observe the other people at your work or in your life that seem
quite contented with themselves and notice that contentment
and ability are not related. They are not correlated. At the
same time, you only have to take a good look at couples in
any public place to notice that beauty really is in the eye of the
beholder. It has often helped to ask two very powerful
questions here to discover other possible reasons for your
unnecessary worries:
? What stops you (feeling good about yourself)?
? What would happen if you did (feel good about yourself)?
Learning to Like You:
Ok, it is time to take out your self-esteem journal or that piece
of paper to write on again. As we touched on earlier, I would
like you to list anything you can think of that you like about
yourself. It might be the dimples in your cheeks when you
smile, or the crookedness of your teeth, or the fact that you
can spell words really easily, or that you have good morals, or
that you are honest. Absolutely anything applies here. Keep
on collecting and adding to this list. Now check this list
against your logical levels exercise that you did at the very
beginning of this programme. Think about your environment,
your beliefs and values, your capabilities, your behaviour and
identity and think about your characteristics on each level and
find more and more things on many differing levels that
contribute to your own unique identity. Then keep this list
somewhere important to be able to refer to and remind
yourself often of its contents.
Doing Different Things:
Lots of us react with fright, fear and anxiety when confronted
with new things! Oh, no, a new thing! So if you do respond
that way, spell out the worst case scenarios you have in your
mind. Really spell them out, write them down if it will help.
Sometimes this is enough to make you realise that they are
silly fears or maybe they are a bit (or a lot) unlikely. I bet they
are. However, if your worst case scenario could happen, think
about how it could be managed and overcome. Take it a step
further and think about someone you know would overcome it
¨C what exactly would they do? How would they go about it?
So, instead of letting that fear harbour itself deep within you
as if you were burying it, take it on and find and create a
strategy for dealing with it. Much more often than not at least
one of these approaches can and will defuse the anxiety.
Now, if it doesn¡¯t, your intuition and instincts may well be right:
so don¡¯t do it!
Communicating With You:
I have written a lot before about our internal dialogue, if you
really have too much of it and you want to use it far better, I
would recommend you read my best-selling book ¡®The
Secrets of Self-Hypnosis: Harnessing the Power of Your
Unconscious Mind¡¯ or you look through the archives of my
ezine for the article that I wrote on it before. Please remember
the archive is temporary, please read those articles before
they are moved.
The point I want to make here is that if you persist on telling
yourself not to make an idiot of yourself in front of others, or
remembering how things went wrong the last time, or
highlighting to yourself how useless you are, then that internal
dialogue voice may well be contributing to your problem. In
fact, I know it is!
So instead, begin to think: what would you say to someone
else in the same situation if you wanted to encourage them?
Work it out and again, write it down. How would you
encourage them? Then continue to say those things to
yourself. Do this. Say those things to yourself instead of all
that other nonsense that you used to persist on saying. Be
convincing and sincere; really mean it. Now how does that
feel? To have that kind of progressive internal dialogue
instead. It can be like a breath of fresh air for your brain, you
are nurturing it. Because we engage in it so very much, each
time you create some internal dialogue the more supportive
you become and this makes a real difference to you self-
esteem and your self-confidence.
Self-Esteem Telling Signals:
How can you tell if someone has self-esteem? It is so easy to
tell, though not many people actually notice. One of the surest
indicators is that people with self-esteem just do not need to
prove themselves. By that I mean that they do not need to:
? Boast.
? Put others down.
? Show off.
? Name-drop.
? Hog the limelight.
? Tell you all about themselves and their achievements.
It is often individuals who do these seemingly confident
behaviours that have quite low self-esteem.
Earlier this year, I was speaking at a large conference in Las
Vegas and over 500 people were there to listen to the team of
speakers of which I was one. The main speaker was
someone I had heard of and is very well known across the
world and so I wanted to speak to them as much as I could
and glean some tips or just get to know them. I wanted to do
the same with all the speakers and as we were waiting to go
on stage, I took some time out to chat with all the speakers
and they were all nice and at ease, no-one displaying any
signs of anxiety at the prospect of speaking to this large
audience. However, I really did notice that the well known
speaker asked no questions of any of the others, in fact they
did not show any interest in any of the other speakers at all.
Which surprised me a little. Instead, the person maintained a
relaxed demeanour and outward appearance but focused all
the time on them self. It was all one way and self-centred. I
suspected that they were not at all comfortable being this
well-known speaker at all. I confirmed this later on when that
person asked me if I would spend some time with them to
help coach them through some things that they wanted to
deal with following a later conversation.
People with true, genuine, real, sincere self-esteem, however
well known they are, usually display very different
characteristics:
? They have a quiet confidence.
? They do not fish for compliments ¨C but they do accept them
well: they know what they are worth.
? They may be quite humble.
? They recognise and are often interested in other people and
their achievements.
? They may not be bothered about receiving external
recognition.
You can read the body language of someone with self-
esteem as it usually speaks for them. They are often
physically relaxed, upright, calm and measured in
movement, they are decisive and without hesitation and they
make good eye contact freely and comfortably.
It has been my experience that despite there being so many
people out there who display apparent confidence and
competence, actually doubt themselves and their own
abilities. (hey, you may well be one of them) I know I spent
years and years showing off due to a lack of self-esteem.
These days I just show off because I am childish and silly. I
joke. These people though, may well stand up for others, but
fail to stand up for themselves. They may well be sensitive
and sympathetic ¨C but not about their own limitations. Bear in
mind that when you meet other people, whether they are
dominating and outgoing or just quietly efficient, they may
both have a serious lack of self-esteem.
As with so many things, as with so many areas that I work
within and as we have touched on already, modelling can
really help. Stop and think about people you know who have
a strong sense of self: how do they behave? How do they
seem to think? What is important to them? What do they
believe? What tells you that they are genuinely comfortable
with themselves? Trust your intuition here and make the most
of your observations. Again, note this stuff down.
Imagine that you were someone else that is watching you
from the outside. As you look at yourself, how could you begin
incorporate what you have learnt from your self valuation and
apply them to yourself. Really have a think about that.
About the Author
To receive Adam's amazing bi-monthly newsletter, packed with modern, innovative, psychological tips, techniques and information visit http://www.adam-eason.com You'll also receive a free instantly downloadable hypnosis session to enjoy at home.
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