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The Experts Opinions-How to Start Off that Conversation for The First Time or
By Joe Markus
Admit it: While your friends are speed-dating ¨C moving
much too fast to be
appropriately depressed over one unfulfilling one-night
stand after another ¨C
you¡¯re a hopeless romantic who believes in ¡°happily ever
after.¡±
You¡¯ve already figured out that finding your soul mate
takes time and hard work.
What you haven¡¯t learned is how to create the right
opportunities.
¡°Expecting that, someday soon, a hunk-a-chunk-a-burnin¡¯-
love will fall from the
sky into your martini glass is human nature, so congrats
on being human,¡± says
Southern California humorist Laurie Frankel, author of
¡°It's Not Me...It's You!¡±
If You¡¯re the Shy Type¡
Initiating first contact may feel daunting if you¡¯re
already antsy at a crowded
party or dissecting a total stranger¡¯s profile at an
online dating site.
Fear not, say the experts. There are foolproof ways to
break the ice, without
resorting to tawdry pickup lines or tripping over your
tongue.
Instead of the overt ¡°walk up and ask him/her out¡±
approach, start with a series
of short, low-key conversations, advises Dr. Rachna D.
Jain, a practicing
psychologist and professional relationship coach in
Columbia, Maryland.
¡°Talk about activities you are planning, which you might
invite the other person
to participate in,¡± she tells AdamandDrew.com. ¡°For
example: ¡®Bob, did you know
there is a great movie coming to the local theater? Do you
ever see movies there?
What do you think about the place..?¡¯ Then, maybe the
next day, follow up with:
¡®Bob, I decided to go and see that movie ¨C was planning
to go on Sunday. Any
chance you'd be free to go with me?¡¯"
Dr. Jain calls this ¡°warming them up¡± ¨C checking to see
if potential dates are
interested before taking the full-frontal risk of asking
them out.
Group events may be a more comfortable prospect if you
want to delay intimacy.
¡°Keep the focus on doing some activity together, rather
than planning a date
where there is nothing else to do but sit and talk,¡± Dr.
Jain says. (Example:
¡°Sarah, my softball team is playing a game on Friday
night and then going out for
pizza. Would you want to come and watch the game and then
go out with us for
something to eat afterward?¡±)
Just for Women
If you prefer the notion of a man making the first move,
you can help him along
by nonverbally inviting him to approach you. It takes
three simple steps,
according to Dr. Jain:
- Show interest.
- Give him the opening.
- Accept the opportunity.
¡°Show interest by looking at him and smiling, and then
slowly looking away,¡± she
says. ¡°You can hold yourself slightly away and apart from
the conversation you¡¯re
in, and give him an opening to come up to talk to you. You
can break free of your
group of friends to give him a chance to approach you.
Good eye contact, smiling
widely and facing him directly will show your interest.¡±
Once he approaches, accept the opportunity to speak. Stay
calm, open and
interested ¨C even if you feel shy or are tempted to turn
away.
Initiating contact isn¡¯t much different.
¡°First, see if you can get him to talk to you,¡± Dr. Jain
says. ¡°If that doesn¡¯t
work, wait for an opening to go up to him. A good way to
open a conversation is:
¡®I don't think we¡¯ve met yet. Hi, I¡¯m ___,¡¯ ¨C and put
your hand out for him to
shake. Most men will respond positively, and you can gauge
his interest from
there.¡±
Just for Men
To show interest in a woman, use your eyes to your
advantage.
¡°Start by catching her eye and smiling,¡± Dr. Jain
recommends. ¡°If she seems
interested ¨C catches your eye, smiles, seems open ¨C you
can go up to her and say
the same thing: ¡®Hi, I don't think we've met yet. I'm
___¡¯ ¨C and continue from
there.¡±
It helps to understand how a woman thinks. She will
usually make the first move
under two conditions, according to Dr. Jain:
- You¡¯re standing alone.
- You¡¯re standing next to one of her friends.
¡°So, if you want to give a woman the opening to speak
with you, break away from
the crowd or group periodically to give her a chance to
come up to you,¡± she
says. ¡°You might also try going up to one of your mutual
friends to see if he or
she might introduce you or smooth the way for a
conversation.¡±
If There¡¯s No Chemistry¡
Once you initiate contact, be prepared for a welcome
reception ¨C or the
brush-off.
¡°The first few minutes of contact are always delicate and
should be treated
gently, even if there is no interest on both sides,¡± Dr.
Jain says. ¡°At least be
kind.¡±
Frankel compares the experience to shopping for clothes.
¡°Some things look great on the hanger or good on others,
but when you actually
try them on they look hideous on you,¡± she tells
AdamandDrew.com. ¡°Your
bootylicious butt is about to split the seam or your less-
than-endowed bust is
letting you ¨C and your neckline ¨C down. Personal style
is all about finding
what's right, which requires exposure to a wide variety of
¡®fashions.¡¯
¡°Chalk it up to experience, and then get shopping again!
A salesperson at a very
prominent jeans store once told me women try on 15 pairs
of jeans for every one
pair they buy. So, start getting in and out of your
¡®pants,¡¯ and assume a similar
ratio for finding compatibility and love!¡±
About the Author
Adam and Drew's Dating Tips has a large variety of free articles that have been written by consulting 'experts' in the dating, flirting and relationship fields. Find out more at http://www.adamanddrew.com
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| Some other articles by Joe Markus | |
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