| |
I'm So In Love, So Why Am I Depressed?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
"I've waited so long for love to come into my life, yet now that it's here, I'm depressed. I can't figure this out," complained Elayne in one of our phone counseling sessions. "Todd is really terrific. He's all I've been wanting in a man – open, caring, and emotionally available. I really think there is something wrong with me."
"When did you start to feel depressed?" I asked.
"Well, I think it started last week right after we spent a wonderful weekend together."
"What happened after the weekend?"
"It was Sunday evening. We had just come back from an early dinner, and Todd wanted to watch a movie with me on TV. I told him that I wanted to go to the gym because I hadn't worked out in a few days. He sounded disappointed in not watching the movie with me, so I didn't go to the gym. I stayed and watched the movie with him because I didn't want him to feel hurt and rejected."
"And that's when you started to feel depressed?"
"Yes. Can it really be because I didn't go to the gym?"
"Well," I said, "It's not exactly because you didn't go to the gym. You probably enjoyed watching the movie with him, right?"
"Right! A part of me did want to watch the movie with him, because I do love being with him. That's why I can't figure this out."
"Elayne, I think that the problem is that you make Todd's feelings and needs more important than your feelings and needs. You gave yourself up to Todd out of fear of his upset feelings. I don't think you would have been depressed if you had decided that you really wanted to watch the movie with Todd more than you wanted to go to the gym. But it doesn't sound like you took the time to go inside to see what you really wanted. What were you afraid would have happened if you had gone to the gym?"
"I was afraid that he would be angry at me and withdraw from me."
"So you were willing to lose yourself rather than risk losing him, is that right?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I did."
"So controlling his feelings and behavior was more important than taking loving care of yourself?"
"Yeah, I guess so. I didn't realize that I was trying to control him by not going to the gym, but I can see that that is exactly what I was doing."
"So, imagine that your feelings and needs are a child within you, and Todd's feelings and needs are a child within him. If you put aside your child to take care of his child, how is your child going to feel?"
"Oh, I see! I feel depressed because I gave myself up and put my child aside to take care of his child! Wow, this relationship stuff is hard! I also feel trapped and resentful, like Todd is somehow not letting me do what I want to do. And as soon as I didn't go to the gym, which is what I really wanted to do, I didn't feel very attracted to him."
"Right. And Todd may have been trying to control you with his disappointment. Has he felt rejected and hurt in the past when you didn't do what he wanted?'
"Yes, he does this sometimes. I hate it when he feels like that. Now I can see that he is trying to control me with his hurt, and I'm trying to control him by giving myself up. I can also see that this is not going to work well."
Elayne decided to talk with Todd about what she had learned. Fortunately, Todd was very open to understanding his own behavior as well as Elayne's. Elayne made the decision to risk letting go of responsibility for Todd's feelings and take responsibility for her own feelings and needs. Elayne's depression quickly vanished as she started to take loving care of herself.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You" and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.
Article Source: http://www.simplysearch4it.com/article/14982.html
| If you wish to add the above article to your website or newsletters then please include the "Article Source: http://www.simplysearch4it.com/article/14982.html" as shown above and make it hyperlinked. |
| Some other articles by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. | What You Say, What People Hear
Communication between partners often gets confusing, and there is a very good reason for this. Most of the time, the words we use have far less impact than ...
What Really Creates Health And Wellbeing?
Most of us know that eating well and exercising is important for good health. Yet often we hear about people100 years old and older ...
Parents, Kids And Time Alone
"What are some of the ways in which you explain to kids that mom and dad need time alone, without feeling guilty about it?"
A journalist, writing an article on having time alone and couple time ...
Commitment Phobia: Are You Commitment Phobic?
Marilee, a client of mine, was commitment phobic. "I'd love to be in a loving relationship," she told me in one of our counseling ...
Bonding With Your Partner - Without Candles, Wine Or Lingerie!
Summary: Many partners attempt to bond with candles, wine or lingerie, only to find their time together feeling flat, empty and passionless. In this article, discover what ...
The Willingness To Heal
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. All this experience has resulted in the development of a profound healing process, called Inner ...
|
|
| |
|
