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HASTY JUDGEMENTS AND THE LOSS OF INTIMACY : The Real Life Story of a Client
By James Sniechowski
Years ago Judith worked with a woman who desperately
wanted to be married. She was in her mid-thirties and had a
successful career in commercial finance. She had no difficulty
attracting men, but always found them to be inadequate.
Finally, she met a man who was a real candidate for marriage.
He was single and also wanted to be married. He was in the
"right" age range, tall enough, successful in business and they
had a good time together.
In fact, at the time that she, "Charlotte", came to see Judith, she
was seriously considering accepting this man's marriage
proposal. Her reason for seeking professional help was that
she wanted to make sure she wasn't doing anything too hasty
or poorly thought out.
The nature of the consultation centered around her
expectations of men and marriage. She was a powerful woman
and believed that she needed someone equally strong as a
partner. This man seemed to fit the bill.
One day, just two weeks after the first consultation, Charlotte
arrived to announce this would be her final appointment
because this man, "Bill", had shown his true colors and he just
wasn't man enough for her.
Judith was shocked by this sudden announcement. What
could be the problem?
As the story unfolded, what upset Charlotte was the way Bill
served a four course dinner for them and three other couples at
his home.
"It was all so fussy, so picture perfect. Not manly at all. I lost
all attraction to him that night."
She never asked Bill where he'd learned to serve such a formal
dinner. She never bothered to find out what it meant to him to
do so. She made her judgement and that was that.
Notice that Charlotte was lost in her judgement. She lost Bill
and she lost her chances of ever being happily married, while
reinforcing her dedication to instant judgements as the truth of
any given situation.
Let's just imagine Bill's side of this story. When he met
Charlotte, he was attracted to her elegance, her stylish dress
and refined behavior, among other things. After getting to know
her over several months, he proposed marriage. Yet, she
hesitated.
Wanting to impress Charlotte with his own taste and style, he
took etiquette lessons and read up on how to give first class
dinner parties. He thought his is what might do the trick in
winning her hand.
Growing up in a lower class family and working his way up the
corporate ladder, he had judged Charlotte's reticence as
coming from her doubt about his refinement. Little did he know
that his judgement about why she was reluctant to accept his
marriage proposal would be the beginning of the end of their
relationship.
Rather than really getting to know one another at intimate levels
of understanding, both Charlotte and Bill relied on false
judgements to guide their behavior, little knowing that their
judgements blocked the very love and intimacy that they were
looking for.
Rather than staying open to the differences between them, each
avoided the truth in favor of self-deceptive, self-reflective
blind-spots.
It's All in the Connection,
Judith & Jim
About the Author
Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski share the secret to a successful relationship - for a closer connection from beginning to end. Read an excerpt from "The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams". http://www.smartweddingcouples.com
Article Source: http://www.simplysearch4it.com/article/31188.html
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| Some other articles by James Sniechowski | |
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