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Category: Articles » Arts & Entertainment » Humor » Article » Article Code

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Privces!

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices! 1. Don't Drive Your Car This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas ... read more

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I have heard the rumblings of many of you in 
Readerland about the recent spike in 
gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to 
hear about lately. But at least it keeps you 
from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns 
and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to 
try to help you get through this crisis by 
generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising 
Gas Prices! 
 
1. Don't Drive Your Car 
 
This is, of course, the most obvious solution. 
If you never take the old Plymouth out the 
driveway, then it won't matter that at current 
gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon 
gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to 
the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less. 
 
Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But 
Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the 
kids have school and soccer practice. And then 
there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and 
dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." 
Ok, I get the point. Not evryone can sit around 
the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching 
the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I 
fully understand that some of you have a life. But 
just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean 
you can't get around. The answer? 
 
2. Carpool 
 
It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using 
your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 
a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone 
else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover 
the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. 
Make someone else get a second job so that they can have 
a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs 
to cruise the mall. It's so simple. 
 
Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone 
takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation 
you would eventually be required to use your car and spend 
your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal 
Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). 
In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it 
so that the other carpool participants would rather walk 
barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. 
You achieve this by (a) never washing or cleaning your car. 
Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill. 
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the 
front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she 
is always superhyper. (c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car 
except ypur spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang 
nails, chest hair, etc. (d) Only play reggae music on the radio. 
Loud! 
 
You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with 
you ever again. 
 
3. Ride the Bus/Subway 
 
Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative 
to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that 
doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, 
riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but 
these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines: 
 
1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with 
anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone 
to mug you. 
 
2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to 
anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an 
invitation to mug you. 
 
3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a 
conversation with the person sitting next or across from 
you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation 
for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back. 
 
4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the 
right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to 
immediate mugging. 
 
5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. 
Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug 
victim material. 
 
 
Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. 
Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep 
from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going 
to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling 
and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to 
just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer 
concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers 
in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple 
thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on 
the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...

Author Bio:

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