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Category: Articles » Arts & Entertainment » Humor » Article » Article Code

Curbing the Public Nuisance (Part 1)

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He's been around since the dawn of humanity. His profession is 
even older than the world's oldest profession. He's been loathed 
and reviled by politicians, bureaucrats and hot dog vendors.

I am speaking, of course, of the public nuisance.

He was that slithery dude in the Garden of Eden, taunting folks 
to shoplift. "Go on. Take a bite of the apple. The grocer will 
never know it's misssssing."

Even in caveman days, the public nuisance was the one who would 
always have a practical joke to play on somebody. "Hee, hee. 
Thag not looking. I go paint his fire green so it look like 
bush. He no be able to find fire. Hee, hee. OUCH! Ooh. Ooh. 
Yowwww. That hot!"

He is the opinionated loudmouth who can't keep his trap shut. "I 
told Caesar the Coliseum should be built on the west side of 
town. 'Caesar,' I said. 'The Coliseum should be built on the 
west side of town.' But did he listen to me? No-o. Did he 
build the Coliseum on the west side of town? No-o."

"So...that's why the lions are drooling on the other side of that 
door?"

"Ah...well, yes, actually."

The public nuisance is that whiner who can't stop complaining 
about the weather. "Aw, c'mon Leonardo. Why don't you invent 
something useful, for a change? Like better weather."

"What's wrong with the weather?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?! It's too cold when I want it to 
be too hot. It's too hot when I want it to be too cold. It 
rains when I work in the fields. It gets dry when the crops need 
rain. And did you see how the wind blew the other night..."

The public nuisance has been with us throughout the ages, playing 
music too loud in public places.

"What's that racket?"

"I think some teenagers are playing their lutes a little loud."

"Well how's a middle-aged lady supposed to get any sleep around 
here?"

"But what can I do?"

"You're a knight, for goodness sake. Get your horse and your 
lance and run them down. "

But, like all good things, even the public nuisance has been 
transformed by technological advances. We no longer rely on 
manual labor to provide public nuisance services to the 
population. Machines supply all the disturbance we could 
possibly desire.

Automation of the public nuisance was inevitable. As cities 
expanded, it was getting harder and harder for the public 
nuisance to be everywhere at once and provide adequate 
disturbance to the entire population.

It was also very inefficient to have individual public nuisances 
repeating the same tasks in each part of town. 

And then there was the issue of quality control. Who would 
ensure that all the public nuisances were serving the community 
to the same standards? Who would ensure accountability and 
integrity? Some public nuisances have been known to take payola.

"Hey. You. What's that stench?"

"I'm just cracking a few eggs to throw at your house."

"Why at my house? What did I do?"

"Nothing. But you have a fancy house and I figured you would be 
most willing to provide me an incentive to throw them somewhere 
else."

"What!? This is extortion!"

"Yes."

"I see. Well, Smithers down the road has been way too uppity 
this week, so here's a little something to go be a his public 
nuisance tonight."

"Thank you, Sir. It's been a pleasure disturbing you."

I was stumped. I really had no idea how to end this column. 
"Maybe the public nuisance should be a she," I mused

"Why a she?" my wife asked.

"Because people complain if I just assume my characters are "he". 
The trouble is, whenever I make them "she", somebody wants to 
know why I'm picking on women."

"They would if you make the public nuisance a woman," my wife 
observed.

"Are you saying women are never nuisances?"

"Everybody knows that you men cause all the public disturbances," 
my wife poked me. 

"That's because men get bored you women try on more clothes and 
more clothes and more clothes. We are just trying to keep things 
interesting"

"Men have such a short attention span..."

Suddenly I knew how to end the column: In our household, we have 
no need for a public nuisance - automated or manual. We each 
have our own private nuisance, whom we love very much.

"That's no way to end a column," my private nuisance insisted. 
"Why not tell them about how you would get rid of public 
nuisances once and for all?"

"Shhh. Don't tell them. That's next week's column."

Author Bio:

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