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  Category: Articles » Arts & Entertainment » Humor » Article

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Privces!

By Timothy Ward

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in
Readerland about the recent spike in
gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to
hear about lately. But at least it keeps you
from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns
and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to
try to help you get through this crisis by
generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising
Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution.
If you never take the old Plymouth out the
driveway, then it won't matter that at current
gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon
gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to
the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But
Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the
kids have school and soccer practice. And then
there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and
dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...."
Ok, I get the point. Not evryone can sit around
the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching
the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I
fully understand that some of you have a life. But
just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean
you can't get around. The answer?

2. Carpool

It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using
your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50
a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone
else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover
the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday.
Make someone else get a second job so that they can have
a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs
to cruise the mall. It's so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone
takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation
you would eventually be required to use your car and spend
your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal
Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS).
In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it
so that the other carpool participants would rather walk
barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you.
You achieve this by (a) never washing or cleaning your car.
Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill.
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the
front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she
is always superhyper. (c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car
except ypur spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang
nails, chest hair, etc. (d) Only play reggae music on the radio.

You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with
you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative
to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that
doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course,
riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but
these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with
anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone
to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to
anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an
invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a
conversation with the person sitting next or across from
you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation
for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the
right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to
immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation.
Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug
victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices.
Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep
from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going
to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling
and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to
just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer
concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers
in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple
thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on
the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...
About the Author
Timothy Ward is a humor writer and aspiring webnmaster. For more of his articles visit

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