The Dreaded Stage-Mother

"I dread it," Barbara tells me. She's the head of the local community theatre, and is preparing to direct the group's big Christmas show-The Sound Of Music.  "By the time the show opens, I'm gonna hate it!" I assume she's talking about the difficulty of directing a big musical with non-professional talent. "I'm looking forward to that!", she replies, "It'll be a challenge! It's the stage-mothers I'm dreading. From the first audition in September, to the final performance in December, they're going to drive me crazy! 'My daughter should have more lines, my son should sing that song!' I'm insane to do a show with kids!"

Stage-mothers have probably been around since the first time an ancient Greek producer put on a show with children. Every person who's ever worked in theatre is familiar with the type. But stage-mothers can be found anywhere children are involved in group acivities, away from the classroom. You see them at spelling bees, dance and music recitals, sports activities-and especially at children's beauty pageants, which wouldn't exist without the patronage of mothers who want their daughters to shine.

"Stage-mother" has become a derogatory term, though the impulse mothers have to show off their children isn't necessarily unhealthy.

Nothing is more important in any child's development than the presence of proud, loving parents. Every positive aspect of personality, from self-confidence to self-reliance, from financial success to marital success, can be traced in one way or another to a parent-child relationship based in love and pride and respect. And proud parents naturally want to share their childrens' talents and abilities with the world. After all, it takes great DNA to make a star, doesn't it?

The problem arises when pride becomes obsession. And, it's a growing problem in today's increasingly competitive society. Many parents today feel that their childrens' lives must be as full and successful as possible, in order to prepare them for adulthood.

According to Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, co-author of the book "Hyper-Parenting", parents today live "in constant fear that their children will underperform in any area -- academic, social or athletic". By imposing such pressure to perform, he adds, parents can be setting their kids up for failure, making them feel inept in the process. As well, parents can lose all sense of balance in their own lives.

All parents want the best for their children; they want to nurture and expand their childrens' interests and abilities. They also want to protect their children from all disappointment, something that's not only impossible, but also ultimately unhealthy. Not every child can play the lead in the musical, or win the spelling-bee, or be crowned the beauty queen. Children who learn to accept and survive life's little disappointments become stronger adults, who manage life's bigger problems with more grace and confidence.

And, as my friend Barbara points out, children who are pushed to perform, when they don't want to, become disillusioned, bored, and withdrawn. The mother whose child really wants to be onstage should be encouraging and helpful, without forcing the child to be the "star".

If children find an activity they love, that love should be encouraged, not forced to the point where perfection is the only goal. Children don't set out to be stars-they need to be kids, first.