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Your Children Can be Victims Too
By Neil Millar
When you leave a relationship with a woman who has abused you, you may not have been able to take your child with you due to the current laws that govern parental responsibility (depending on when your child was born).
It's usual after separation for your to go through a period of mixed emotions ranging from relief to guilt. Some people move on quickly, others take years. Some never recover from the humiliation and violence of the relationship, but it is important to remember that your child may well have witnessed or be a victim of your ex partner's abuse.
Stepping Out From Under the Spell...
Step out from under the spell of the abuser for a moment and you may see how they feed on the illusion that they hold power over you. The truth is no one has or can hold power over you.
Here's an example...
Steve's ex-partner decided to stop his contact when he didn't do what she told him to. When he shrugged and turned away, his ex had to come to terms with the fact he wasn't going to allow her to tell him how to behave anymore. In that moment he took back his power.
When we remove ourselves from the spell we break old patterns of behaviour. In Steve's case he went four weeks without seeing his child. Since he has done what worked for him and his child, rather than the mother. She did continue to throw her weight around, but he managed three years without his contact being withdrawn.
What to do when a bully persists?
Don't get locked back into the spell. Don't argue. Don't threaten. Don't get upset. Do as a Court would do: think child. It's my belief that with a bully, unless the odds are stacked in your favour and your legal adviser tell you, you have a pretty good shot, you should try to find the best alternative outside of Court. You must remember that your child could get hurt in all this, not just emotionally, by physically and mentally.
If your ex is an abuser and known to police and Social Services they will keep records (usually for around 3 years). There is nothing like making a bully face up to the consequences of their actions, but be aware there are some nasty quirks in the law that can backfire. I must say, this has to be done with a true heart or a Court will see right through you. Judges and barristers are educated people who can read people well. Don't try to fool them or you'll look the fool.
Whether a child's mother is know to Social services or not you'll need to get legal advice, specific to your situation before proceeding to Court. In truth, you may not get to all you want out of Court. The system does rather set up a scenario of winners and losers.
Don't continue to be abused and seek the best path for your child.
Best wishes
Neil
About the Author
I hope that my newsletter, on creating a better life, will help you create a life you deserve.
Find out more at http://www.neilmillar.net
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