Diffusing Sibling Rivalry

Another long day is over, dinner's finished, the dishes are put away, and you can relax for the first time, sinceyou can't remember the last time. You think about curling up on the couch and watching a little TV, then you get an even better idea: What could be more perfect than a good book and some soft background music?

Moments later, you're all set-you've got your book, the lights are just right, the couch-pillows are arranged just the way you like them, and you pop the perfect CD in the player. But the only music you hear is:

"Gimme that! It's mine!!"

"No, it isn't! Get away!"

"Yes it is! Let go!"

Then, from somewhere in the house, the clear sound of a smack, a moment of dead silence, and the piercing, ear-splitting wail of well-developed four-year-old vocal cords, screaming, "MOM!!!! HE HIT ME!!!"

Maybe, in another twelve years or so, you'll get to finish that book

Take heart. The same song is playing in the neighbors' house. In fact, every family with multiple children suffers through bouts of sibling fighting and rivalry. Even twins have issues. While it's stressful and annoying, it's a normal part of growing up.

Part of a child's development is the need to define himself as an individual, to clearly delineate his interests and talents as separate from his sibling's. This need can manifest itself in many ways, from selfishness, to jealousy, to unspecific tantrums.

Young children don't understand what it is they're feeling, so they often react to this need in the most extreme way they know.

There can be other factors involved as well. The older of a pair of siblings may still be struggling with the presence of his younger sibling, in the family dynamic.

Parents must take care not to lavish too much attention on a younger child, simply because he or she is younger. Playing favorites leads to problems. Plan time with each child, alone.

One way a family can avoid unnecessary conflict is to spend quality time together, engaged in activities which everyone enjoys. Kids mimic family relationships they observe, and the more positive the dynamic when everyone is together, the less likely siblings are, to fight for no reason.

Fighting and rivalry are more common in families that don't discourage such behavior. Teach your child, in simple terms, the principles of basic non-violent conflict resolution early-like compromise and sharing-and you'll avoid dealing with violent behavior now and when they're older.

Adult stress and anger-with work, money, relationships, etc.-is clearly evident to children, and can be a source for them, too, causing conflicts. Avoid bringing problems they can't solve into your relationships with your kids.

The University of Michigan Medical School (www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/sibriv.htm) offers a number of valuable resources for parents, in learning how to reslove sibling rivalry.

Don't panic when your kids fight. It's going to happen to you and every parent. And that book you want to read will be just as good in twelve years. If you survive parenthood that long