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Body Language Signals - What Message Are You Sending?
By Royane Real
Here is an exercise using your imagination to show how just much we can commucnicate with our body language, even when we don’t use any words.
Imagine that you are an actor who has been hired to perform as an “extra” in a play on the stage. You have no speaking lines, but you have been assigned to portray one of the guests at a festive social gathering.
Each night the play is performed, you will play the role of a different person at the party.
Because you have no speaking lines in the play, you must somehow convey the essence of your character, by using only your body language and facial expressions.
On the play’s first night you are told to depict a party guest who is extremely shy and self-conscious. How would you convey the impression of someone who is painfully self-conscious and shy without using any words? What would the body language of a person who is socially ill at ease look like?
A person who is shy and self-conscious is probably not standing up straight. Shy people often stand or sit in a shrinking posture, looking as if they are trying to physically disappear. Their shoulders may be hunched over, and their chest may have a “caved in” appearance.
The shy person’s gaze is most likely directed downward. He doesn’t make eye contact with anyone. He is probably breathing very shallowly and quickly, because of his nervousness.
A person who is bashful will probably hold his arms and hands in a very awkward position, and when he makes a physical gesture, the movement is likely to be halting and tentative. The shy person is most likely standing or sitting far away from any other person or group, and seems not to know how to join a group of people who are already talking.
The people in the vicinity of the shy person may glance at him briefly, but mostly they ignore his presence.
On the second night of the play’s performance, you are assigned the role of different person at the same party. This time your role is to depict someone who is very grim and unfriendly. What body language might convey this mood?
Try to feel grim and unfriendly and notice what body posture goes with this state.
You will probably stand up very straight, and your entire body will be quite rigid. Most likely you will have your arms crossed in front of your chest region.
Your facial muscles will probably be tightly clenched, with your lips pressed into a thin line. You do not look around, and you show no interest in your surroundings. Your breathing may be very forceful, and you may even make audible snorting sounds as you breathe. There will be a lot of muscular tension in your chest area. If you exhibit this sort of posture at a party, do you think that anyone would want to approach you? It’s not very likely.
On the play’s third night, you are asked to portray a person at the party who is very friendly, confident, and outgoing. How would a friendly person behave and look? This person will be meeting and mingling merrily with other guests. His posture is straight, yet relaxed.
As he greets other people, he shakes hands, and he may even put his arm around the shoulder of another guest with whom he is talking. His face is animated and he looks with interest at the person he is talking to. He laughs and smiles easily.
On the final night of the play’s performance you are assigned the role of a very flirtatious woman at the party. How can you depict her flirtatious attitude without using any words? Once again, body language will convey a large part of the message. What might the body language of a flirtatious woman look like?
A very flirtatious woman will probably ignore all the other females in the room, not even bothering to look at them. When she sees a man she finds interesting, she will stand or sit very, very close to him. If she is sitting down, her upper body will be leaning close to his upper body. She will employ a variety of coy, playful gestures such as touching her hair, and lightly touching him.
She will gaze briefly into the man’s eyes, smile, laugh, and look away. Her body will be in constant, fluid, restless motion. She will probably toss her head frequently, and if she is eating or drinking anything, she is likely to do so in an exaggerated, slow, sensuous fashion. Her mouth is probably partly opened, and she may lightly moisten her lips with her tongue. She may be using all these gestures very deliberately, or they may be completely unconscious.
Of all these various roles, which would be easiest for you to portray? Which of these persons would be the most difficult? Would you find it easy to portray the person who is relaxed and confident? Or would the role of a relaxed, friendly person be a challenge for you?
Which role do you think you play most often in real life?
Are you surprised to learn just how much you can communicate to other people, even when you don’t say a single word? What sorts of messages does your body language usually send to others? Does your body language encourage other people to approach you? Or do you frighten them away?
If you usually stand or sit with your arms folded across your chest, do you think this posture encourages others to come and talk to you? Most people will interpret your arms crossed in front of your chest as a signal that you don’t want anyone to approach you. Only the bravest souls are likely to come forward when you adopt this posture.
If you stand awkwardly, with your chest slumped forward, your shoulders drooping, and your eyes avoiding everyone else, people are likely to decide you are very depressed or completely lacking in confidence. They may fear that trying to talk with you will be an awkward experience because you do not project any sign that you are confident in yourself, or that you have any interest in the people around you.
No matter how desperately you want someone to come over and befriend you, if your body language projects awkwardness or disinterest in others, it’s not very likely that many people will try to start a conversation with you.
If there are body language signals that can frighten people away, are there signals that will encourage people to come forward and approach you? Yes, there are measures you can take to increase the perception that you are open, approachable and non-threatening.
You can practice these gestures in front of a mirror in the privacy of your own home until you are able to easily project the look of a person who is friendly, confident, and approachable.
Whether you are sitting or standing, aim for a posture that is upright and alert, yet relaxed. If you notice that your chest or shoulders are slumping, straighten up.
Become aware of the way you are breathing. Does your breath move in and out smoothly? Or does it move with jerky little stops and starts? If you notice that you are holding your breath, or breathing in a jerky manner, this is a sign of anxiety. If you are breathing shallowly, using only the top part of your chest, you are not taking in enough air.
When you breathe shallowly, you have to breathe more frequently, which can increase your appearance of nervousness. Use your abdomen to help you breathe smoothly and deeply in a relaxed manner. Let the bottom part of your lungs fill up with air as well as the top.
What are you doing with your hands? If you get nervous in social situations, you may feel that no matter what you do with your hands, it’s the wrong thing. Many people who cross their arms in front of their chest are probably doing so at least in part because they don’t know where else to put their hands.
Don’t cross your arms in front of your chest unless you really don’t want anybody to approach you. That is the message this gesture sends out. If you want to look more open and approachable, keep your arms to your sides, or put one hand in your pocket. If you want to hold something in one hand, keep your hand at the side of your body, not in front of you.
Holding your arm in front of your body can send a subtle signal that you want to defend yourself against the approach of others.
Stay aware of and focused on your surroundings and the people around you. If you find yourself tuning out your surroundings, you will start to focus too much on your negative inner sensations and thoughts.
What sort of facial expression should you have if you want people to approach you? In most cases, a gentle, pleasant smile should do the trick. Too much of a smile that never softens can look forced and nervous. A pleasant smile with a twinkle in your eyes will help to convey the impression that chatting with you will be a pleasant experience.
About the Author
This article is taken from the new book by Royane Real titled "How You Can Have All the Friends You Want - Your Complete Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends, and Keeping Friends" Check it out at www.royanereal.com
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